terrible horrible no good very bad

I'm exaggerating.

A little.

I'm just not having a good day!

It's one of those where everything you do turns out catawampus when you need perfection. And when you try to fix it, you just get airbrushed catawampas*.

So I went down to the drugstore to cheer myself up. Bought a new lip gloss. It's fine, maybe a little too bronze and not enough rose, but it's supposed to last FIVE TIMES longer than normal lip gloss. which would be great because that would give me twenty whole minutes between applications. (Or, to be honest, my usual habit is to slap it on the morning and forget about it, so really we're just talking twenty whole minutes of lip gloss a day.)

Also bought a torture device. Ever seen this? My modest hope was that it would turn the attention from my bad hair day toward my twenty-minutes-of-shiny-lips. BUT IT'S HARD! I mean, like, medical residency hard. (Not that I've done that, but I can imagine that it's grueling.) It is obviously made for people whose hair is cut in a blunt line. And let's be honest, if your hair is cut like that, are you really to type that's into updos? No, you're into headkerchiefs, plain and simple.

I work in such a small office (three people, including me) that it's pretty obvious when one person is gone. They must have wondered. I have no idea how long I was in the ladies room, standing at the mirror, alternately cursing my very un-octopus-like possession of only two hands, and laughing hysterically as I got slapped with what they call the "spring end" of the hairagami. (There is no spring "end!" That's like saying an elephant has a "heavy end." The thing lives to snap back together.) Anyway, I finally got it in my hair...though it did require a rubber band to tuck in the stray ends on one side (just the one! Other side looks great!) and two enormous bobby pins to pin back some hair from my face. Oh, and did I mention that now that it's on my head, I feel like it's trying to pull my hair out? A black velvet twisty snappy vice for my head. That's what I bought to cheer myself up today. Solid.

*Even this was a nightmare. I wanted it to be caddywhompus.